It seems like for the last five years of my life, I've been contemplating and thinking over and over again about how I would rather be living my life than actually living it. I would stay up at night fantasizing about what my future house would look like or how my future lifestyle would be. I would plan and plan and not realize how much planning I was doing. But in the end I wasn't actually doing anything. I remember being 20 and feeling anxious every second of the day and I remember being 22 and realizing that it was all just in my head. I remember trying to heal myself and actually doing it. That was one thing that I was proud of, I overcame my crippling anxiety. But with that came new challenges of staying in the same place. I became obsessed with self-help books because that's what got me out of my anxiety driven days. I would read and make a plan and read and try to implement them. Then I would tell myself that this book wasn't for me, so then I gave up. I did that with the next book and the cycle continued over and over again. It was ironic how much I was focusing on growth yet I wasn't growing at all. I'm 24 now and I'm still in the same position. I've grown a bit, more than I give myself credit for, but I still remain the same. Some of those self-help books were eye opening but in the end they were all very similar. After a few you already know, for the most part, what to do. I became more aware of the simple truth, I was too afraid to get out of my comfort zone to try any of it. Even now I'm uncomfortable writing this but I want to try. In three month I'll be turning 25. That's right in the middle of my twenties. For some reason this scares me, maybe because I keep comparing myself with people my age or because I'm not where I said I'd be by this point. Even when I try to think of all the things I have accomplished I feel like it wasn’t much and the things I did do were not what I actually wanted. I wanted to take chances, adventure more, go for what seemed fun and exciting, create beautiful art, live purely in the moment and follow my heart and my inner light. That is something I failed to do. That is what I truly regret. I was too busy thinking about what I could be doing than actually doing it. I focused on the wrong things and got consumed by the idea of what could be that I forgot that I could just stop worryin, and that I could be living the life I wanted now. I want to stop living life like it’s a to do list that needs to get crossed off, and start just being and living the way it feels right. Realizing all of this is very raw and scary for me. But it is also so relieving to know that I can live the way I want right this moment. It’s time for me to stop planning and stop trying to get prepared with self-help books and what other people tell me is the right thing to do. What feels right for me is what I should be doing. I want to embrace life fully for what it is and enjoy all those things that bring me love, light and magic. Like Roald Dahl once said “I began to realize how important it was to be an enthusiast in life. If you are interested in something, no matter what it is, go at it at full speed ahead. Embrace it with both arms, hug it, love it and above all become passionate about it. Lukewarm is no good. Hot is no good either. White hot and passionate is the only thing to be.” And that is exactly what I’ll do.
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